Joke Of The Day

Here is today's laugh therapy for you....Read.....Laugh.....Enjoy

THE PICKLE FACTORY

Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. 

His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.

A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen. His wife asks, "What's wrong, Bill?"

"Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

Nyanya Bombings: Court Okays Complete Shield Of Witnesses

A Federal High Court has ordered that prosecution witnesses in the trial of the alleged mastermind of the Nyanya bombing, Aminu Ogwuche and others to be completely shielded from public view.

The order of court followed an application by the prosecution, Mohammed Diri that the identity of the prosecution witnesses be shielded with tinted screen to protect their identity.

With yesterday’s ruling, the federal government is expected to open its case Tuesday.

Aminu Sadiq Ogwuche, Ahmed Abubakar, Mohammed Ishaq, Ya’u Saidu (alias Kofar Rama); Anas Isa, Adamu Yusuf and Nasir Abubakar are facing terrorism-related charges.

The trial was stalled over disagreement on whether to totally or partially shield the prosecution witnesses.

At the resumed trial yesterday, a representative of the prosecution counsel, M. Ogunsina moved an application seeking to modify the order of the court made on March 18, 2015.

8 Injured As Wall Collapses In Kano Emir's Palace

Tragedy struck on Monday at the palace of the emir of Kano, Muhammadu Sanusi II, as eight persons sustained various degrees of injuries when a mud wall, which was under construction, caved in on them.

According to an eyewitness account, the workers, numbering ten, were busy re-plastering the ‎100 years old mud house in the palace when the incident happened.

It was gathered at the palace that immediately the emir ‎ heard of it, he instantly instructed one of the senior emirate officials to find out the cause of the collapse.

3 Cable Vandals Caught In Era Town

Nemesis caught up with three electricity transformer cable thieves in Era town, when the community’s volunteer group, keeping night watch, in the wee hours of Friday, in the Oto-Awori Local Council Development Area, Lagos State, apprehended the vandals before they could carry out their nefarious acts.

The thieves, who gave their names as Henry Reuben, Eze Obiesi and Chika Okpara, were with industrial spanners, pliers and a push-truck with which they planned to loosen and cart away the power connecting cables, had they had succeeded.

However, their luck ran out when a member of the vigil group was pressed by nature and had to go into a nearby bush to defecate. His sudden interruption spooked one of the thieving gang, who had been lying low and waiting for the appropriate time to commence their plans.

When the hoodlum took to his heels, the watchman raised the alarm and subsequently alerted other members of his group. They gave chase and apprehended the three-man gang at about 1.30a.m.

Officials Send Reporter Out Of Aso Rock Over Embarassing Question

Security details at the Presidency on Monday withdrew the accreditation of the Radio Dutch correspondent and ordered the journalist out of the Villa. The journalist is Ubale Musa, the State House correspondent of German Radio, Deutsche Welle.

Musa probably irked the secu­rity operatives because of his ‘em­barrassing questions’ to visiting Chadian President, Idris Derby.

The question in contention, ac­cording to Musa was the one relat­ing to the relationship between the Chadian troops and the sup­posed South African mercenaries.

“What is the relationship be­tween the multinational task force fighting in Lake Chad and the South African mercenaries fighting with them?,” Ubale had asked the Chadian leader.

Mexican Political Candidate Goes Topless In Campaign Ads

A 34-year old philosophy professor, Natalie Juarez, who is running for a political office in Mexico has gone topless in a campaign adverts aimed at getting voters “energized”.

“We need to tell people, ‘Hey, wake up because if you don’t, sharks are going to eat you up. Wake up, you citizen and politician,” said Juarez, who is running for the leftist Party of the Democratic Revolution told CNN.

Juarez placed the billboards above busy streets in Guadalajara, Mexico’s second largest city, depicting herself and six other women nude from the waist up, arms covering their chests. The billboard reads: “I dare you to build a new project for a nation with no prejudices.”

She said she believed that solution to issues should be approached from a novel and radical angle. She suggested that narcotics should be legalized in Mexico in order to curtail the growing dastardly influence of drug cartels in the country.

Scores Injured As Fire Guts Bayelsa Buildings, Shops

Over 109 shops and residential buildings belonging to the Bayelsa State government in Ijora area of Lagos was on Sunday night were gutted by fire. The raging inferno started from one of the shops housing black oil at the 7up area of Ijora.

According to an eyewitness, seven persons suffered varied degrees of injuries as a result of the inferno.

The South-West Zonal spokesman of the National Emergency Maintenance Agency (NEMA), Mr Ibrahim Farinloye, who confirmed the incident yesterday, said one of the affected people with serious burns was rescued and taken to the hospital.

Scientists Make Significant Progress In Search For HIV Cure

Scientists have advanced search for Human Immuno-deficiency Virus (HIV)/Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome (AIDS) cure with the establishment of a centre dedicated to finding a way to eradicate the disease once and for all by global pharmaceutical giant, GlaxoSmithKline (GSK) and the University of North Carolina (UNC) at Chapel Hill, United States.

Also, experts have warned that antibiotic-resistant typhoid is spreading across Africa and Asia and poses a major global health threat even as the World Health Organization (WHO) has made recommendations for naming new diseases, saying the name given to a particular disease can have a direct effect on people’s lives and livelihoods.

GSK and UNC, in a joint statement, said one major focus of the new collaboration will be the ‘shock and kill’ approach for curing HIV, which involves unmasking dormant HIV present in patients’ immune cells, before boosting the immune system to destroy all traces of the virus.

Tonto Dikeh's Tuesday Morning Inspirational Thoughts

 Nollywood actress and singer Tonto Dikeh shares new pictures plus inspirational thoughts. Below is what she wrote in her own words....

Think of a concept of 'Being BEAUTIFUL'.

In its purest form 'BEAUTIFUL' breaks down to beauty and Full.Its like a Vessel.

To be full it has to have the ability to store Something precious to another Safely.

You can't fill it by garnishing its Exterior.What do you carry......On the Inside.

Is it precious to all,to some or just you??

Remember your HAPPINESS starts with you

Not with your relationship.

Not with your friends.

Not with you job.

BUT with you.

Australian Teenager In Court Over Terrorist Bomb Plot

An Australian teenager who was allegedly planning a bomb plot has appeared in children’s court charged with terrorism offenses.

The 17-year-old, who cannot be named for legal reasons, was arrested in a raid on his home in Melbourne’s northern suburbs on Friday.

Police said his arrest halted a plot to detonate three homemade bombs in the city. He was remanded in custody.

The teenager did not apply for bail and will face court again on 26 May.

He was charged with engaging in an act in preparation for, or planning a terrorist act. He was also charged with possessing things connected to a terror plot.

None of his family appeared in court on Monday, according to local media, which also reported he had dropped out of school and posted radical statements on social media.

  

The arrest comes not long after five men were detained last month, also in Melbourne, for allegedly planning an attack on an Anzac Day ceremony.

ICPC Arraigns NSCDC Officials Over N1.2b Unspent Funds

The Independent Corrupt Practices and other Related Offences Commission (ICPC) will today arraign a former Assistant Commandant General of the Nigerian Security and Civil Defence Corps (NSCDC), Nasir Mohammed Umar, before an Abuja High Court over the agency’s N1.2 billion unspent funds.

The other two suspects were Assistant Director of Finance and Accounts, Amobi Uzodinma Chidozie, and Chief Accountant, Ojuolape Oyemomi.

The ICPC Head of Media, Mr. Folu Olamiti, disclosed that the three officers allegedly conspired to use their public offices to confer on themselves corrupt advantage by offering gratification to some public officers in the office of the Accountant General of the Federation as an inducement for extension of time in December 2004 in remitting the N1.2 billion unspent funds belonging to NSCDC.

Two Trek To Kaduna In Sympathy With Gov. Yero

As several people trekked long distances to felicitate with winners of the just concluded 2015 general elections, two people have commenced trekking from Makarfi to Kaduna to sympathise with Gov. Muktar Yero.

  

Speaking in an interview with Journalists in Zaria on Sunday, one of the trekkers, Malam Rabiu Sarkin-Musulmi, said they started the journey early Sunday morning at about 2:00a.m.

“We started the journey from Makarfi, headquarters of Makarfi Local Government Area of Kaduna State at about 2:00a.m. and we expect to be in Kaduna by 1:00p.m. on Monday, May 11.

9 Cops In Georgia Fired In Connection With Death Of 21-Year-Old Nigerian

Mathew Ajibade

Nine Georgia deputies have been fired in connection with the death of a 21-year-old student in Savannah, Georgia, authorities announced Friday.

The firings are related to the case of Mathew Ajibade, who died in an isolation cell on New Year’s Day, said Gena Bilbo, the Chatham County Sheriff’s spokeswoman.

Two of the nine deputies who were fired had been on paid leave.

Ajibade, who was from Nigeria, was arrested on January 1 after police received a phone call about a domestic disturbance.

Authorities arrived and saw Ajibade holding a women under a blanket, according to an incident report. Her “face was bruised, and her nose was bleeding,” the report said.

The sheriff’s office said Ajibade “became combative during the booking process.”

  

Today's Newspaper Headlines : Tuesday, May 12, 2015

My people, your daily newspaper headlines from selected newspapers don tanda gidigba for una reading pleasure. Make una dey enjoy am

GUARDIAN

• Ondo Anglicans urge defecting politicians to emulate Buhari
• New job for APC spokesman
• An econonmic agenda: Our expectations (2)
• Still on the purported AIT ban
• The anti-torture bill
• Turkish cargo ship bombed near Libyan coast
• APC group moves to reconcile members in Ekiti
• NSE prescribes ABUAD Engineering template for education in Nigeria
• Power capacity hits 6000mw as Jonathan commissions FCT substation
• Jonathan holds last Council of State meeting
• Kano Emir moves to reconcile Shekarau, Kwankwaso
• Lagos PDP dismisses purported sack of chairman, Tunji Shelle
• Okpekpe: Degete, Merge, Gonfa ready to rumble, as Heritage Bank signs in
• Oyo amateur boxing boss thanks Alaafin, solicits support for ailing Dele Jonathan
• Bayelsa United sacks Ogbeide, picks Ederekumoh as new coach
• We are working hard to ensure Falcons' success, says Sanusi
• Edo commissioner seeks royal support for Okpekpe Road Race
• Amokachi still Super Eagles' assistant coach, says Akinwunmi
• Nonagenarian gives Fashola seven days ultimatum on Metropolitan College
• Nigeria: It's high time we healed our divided polity
• Scientists make significant progress in search for HIV cure
• Group empowers health workers against malaria
• Caretaker committees good for devt, Egbe-Idimu LCDA boss says
• Scores injured as fire guts Bayelsa buildings, shops
• Court adjourns suit against Estate developer to June 17
• Finding a lasting solution to casualisation
• World equity trading volumes hit $81 trillion
• Consumer demand to drive next wave of PE investments in Nigeria, S'Africa, others
• Emirate Group posts $1.5 billion profit
• Customs impounds 1,777 cartons of fake drugs, 182 vehicles
• Sterling Bank to raise $150m fresh capital
• Why Nigeria, others have over $93b infrastructural deficit
• Nigerian firms team up for novel payments system
• Wema Bank assures shareholders of better returns on investment
• Access Bank shareholders laud expansion exercise, approve 60k dividend
• Church commends Jonathan on recent peaceful elections
• Inuk is adopted son, not slave
• 30 charged with 'terrorism' over deadly Macedonia shooting
• At least five dead after storms rip through southern US
• Video: Protest in London over Cameron's re-election, 17 arrested
• Osama bin Laden: Journalist says White House lied
• Hundreds of Rohingya Muslim refugees rescued from boats off Indonesia
•  cops in Georgia fired in connection with death of 21-year-old
• exican political candidate goes topless in campaign ads
• Australian teenager in court over terrorist bomb plot
• Tiens Group treats 6,400 employees to French vacation
• Swedish Supreme Court rejects Assange appeal
• Rivers lawmakers reject Amaechi's claim of paid salaries
• ICPC arraigns NSCDC officials over N1.2b unspent funds
• DAILY TIMES
• PDP'S Loss: Two Trek to Kaduna in Sympathy with Gov. Yero
• Buhari'S Aide Calls for End to Urhobo/Isoko Pipelines Bombing
• Lagos Plans Metro Backbone for Submarine Cables Owners
• Fayose Links Ekiti Kidnap Cases to Jail Break
• PDP'll Reinvent Itself, Says Delta Gov
• S'Africa Opposition Party Gets First Black Leader
• 72 Dead as Syria Army Battles to Free Loyalists
• I Don't Know Where Shekau Is- Chad President
• Amaechi, Rivers Assembly on Collission Course
• Boko Haram: 30 Top Army Officers for Trial
• Lagos PDP Removes Chairman, Installs Successor
• APC'll Open Job Opportunities for Nigerian Youths ' Odigie-Oyegun
• Poor PVC Distribution Led To PDP's Defeat At The Polls- Bode George
• 3 Cable Vandals Caught in Era Town
• Federal Teachers Beg Jonathan over 11 Months Unpaid Allowances
• APC'll Open Job Opportunities For Nigerian youths ' Odigie-Oyegun
• Buhari Will Not Be Bogged Down By Endless Probes, APC Tells Jonathan
• Business Devt Slow in Nigeria, Says Babalakin
• Senate Presidency: Benue Gov-Elect Solicits Support for Akume
• Ibori, Others Bags Fellowship Award
• US to Rehabilitate 275 Rescued Sambisa Women
• Sterling Bank Projects Expansion, Fresh $150m Capital
• Burundi Protesters Defy Govt as Belgium Cuts Election Cash
• Libya Rejects EU Military Plans over Mediterranean Migrants
• Uganda Army Launches De-Radicalisation Campaign
• Senator Vows to Revive Bombed Kogi Radio Station
• Edo Govt Not Owing Workers Salary Arrears
• Ukraine Crisis: Kerry to Meet Putin, Lavrov Tomorrow
• Nyako's Impeachment: Court Passes Verdict May 22
• Saudi King to Skip US-Gulf Summit
• Tension in Adamawa over Fintiri'S N22 Billion Expenditure
• Israeli President on Three-Day Visit to Germany
• Officials Send Reporter out of Aso Rock over Embarassing Question
• Stop Playing Victim, APC Tells Jonathan
• Nigerian 'Slave' in UK Story, a Big Lie, We Treated Him as Son
• Plateau NSCDC Boss Explains Cause of Barkin Ladi Crisis
• PDP Crisis Spreads to Lagos
• Nicot: Cardiac Arrest Kills Belgian Star
• Arsenal: Dangote Urged Not to Splash Cash
• Visa Hitch Delays Iheanacho'S Arrival
• Man City Do Not Need a Revolution'Pellegrini
• Wolfsburg Confirm Kruse Capture
• Lyon Boss Fournier Concedes Ligue 1 Title
• Cesena Relegated from Serie A
• Barton Blasts 'Embarrassing' QPR
• Liverpool Top-Four Hopes Quashed
• Rio 2016: Rugby Sevens Regional Qualifiers Set to Begin

THISDAY